This summer, discover the secrets to a calmer, more harmonious home. We’ll share practical, tried-and-true tips inspired by the unique Slovenian approach to parenting, championed by parenting coach and bestselling author Marko Juhant. Transform your household into a haven of peace and balance, and nurture a stronger, happier family connection.
Ah, summer. The season of sunny days, garden barbecues, and… complete chaos for freelancing parents juggling work with their kids’ never-ending demands. If you’ve ever felt like Captain Sullenberger landing an Airbus on the Hudson River when trying to navigate the summer holidays, you’re not alone.
Captain “Sully” Sullenberger’s calm during a crisis can teach us all a thing or two, says Marko Juhant. While Sullenberger had birds taking out his engines, you might have teens turning your home into a battle zone with screaming drills starting as early as 9 am. But don’t worry, you don’t need to be a hero of the Hudson to keep your cool, according to Juhant who hails from Slovenia. The European country may be small in size but it’s big on raising a disproportionately large number of innovative, well-adjusted and calmer than most households.
Parents, stop being a ball hog
Probably one of the most effective parenting practices coming out of Slovenia is putting the ball in your child’s court rather than always in yours. By doing so they have a hand in decision-making but also face the consequences of their decisions. It takes the pressure off you as a parent. Well, a little.
In a Fatherly article by Dr Noah Charney, an American professor of art history who lives in Slovenia with his wife and two daughters, explains when he started to discover this first-hand, both in theory (i.e., in books) and in real life (i.e. watching how his wife handled shifting the responsibility and consequences on their children).
When Charney began exploring Slovenian parenting techniques, his initial resource was the book Connect to Your Teenager: A Guide to Everyday Parenting by Leonida and Albert Mrgole. This renowned Slovenian therapist couple focuses on helping parents cultivate a better relationship with their teenagers.
One of their central teachings, according to Charney, is the importance of transferring responsibility and consequences for decisions from the parents to the children. This approach encourages children to understand that they are responsible for their own destinies.
This method not only empowers children but also alleviates the pressure on parents to be authoritarian. It helps children see that their choices lead to consequences they must accept, whether positive or negative.
A key strategy is to present choices clearly to the child. For example, you might say, “You can choose to do your chores and homework and go to the cinema with your friends this weekend, or you can choose not to and not go to the cinema. You’re the only one who can do your chores and homework, so it’s up to you.”
Other tips he shares include:
- Don’t overdo it with the praise
- Aim for a Buddhist level of contentment
- Curb the competitiveness
- Encourage independence
Avoiding the Parent-Child Anger Loop
The “Parent-Child Anger Loop” is a familiar trap: you lose your patience, yell, they yell back, and the cycle continues. Here’s how to break free:
1. Stay Calm and Communicate
Like Sully, who remained calm under pressure, take a deep breath before responding to your kids. Use clear, concise communication.
Pro Tip: Practice active listening. Often, kids act out because they feel unheard. Reflect back on what they say to show you’re paying attention.
2. Use Positive Reinforcement
Encourage good behaviour with positive reinforcement. Acknowledge and reward when they follow the schedule or help out.
3. Model Emotional Regulation
Your kids learn how to handle their emotions by watching you. If you react calmly to stress, they’ll eventually mimic that behaviour.
Pro Tip: Incorporate mindfulness practices. A quick meditation or a few deep breaths can help reset your mood.
4. Keep your cup full throughout the day
“We often lose our patience when children trigger our old wounds,” says Juhant. “This is when we start reaching for the “treatment” right away. We yell, we scold, we threaten with consequences.”
He suggests, before you start dealing with your child’s behaviour, you need to address what’s bothering YOU.
- What words trigger you?
- What behaviour pushes your buttons?
- Which situations drain your energy?
- Which people drain your energy?
Every parent has unique triggers that push their buttons like nothing else can. If you have just come off of a work Teams meeting or received a bad email, then that could be what triggers you just before your kid does something incredibly inconvenient or rude.
When you identify and understand your triggers, you can avoid them and keep your patience cup full throughout the day. You may eventually be able to spot your child’s triggers, too. This may help you in knowing how and when to address certain topics or parental requests.
5. Deactivate your intense emotions
“Studies show that children whose parents stay calm tend to be calmer themselves,” says Juhant. “So if you don’t want the situation to escalate into yet another Anger Loop, you need to calm down your boiling emotions.”
Now, meditative practices and breathing techniques will only take you so far. They might increase your patience by 30-50%. But they won’t keep you calm in most difficult situations especially when you have a short fuse on certain days,” warns Juhant.
“You know, those days,” he says. “Like when the kids decide to wash the dog in the middle of the living room…or use the fridge as a canvas for fingerpainting…or refuse to wash the dishes or clean their rooms.”
He suggests when you are faced with such situations, just taking deep breaths won’t calm you down.
Instead, you need a set of techniques that work in specific situations with your kids.
So think about how you can guide your kids calmly when they don’t listen.
- What can you do when you’re in a rush so you don’t lose your composure when kids are taking a bit longer to get ready?
- Or how can you react when your kids scream, throw tantrums, or try to negotiate?
Think of all the situations that trigger you (you identified them in Step #1) and then make a plan to either avoid them or address them calmly.
6. Repair and strengthen the relationship with your kids when you “lose it”
Juhant reminds us that there will be times when you lose it, especially when you have started this technique and have not yet seen the results. Losing it does not mean you are the worst parent ever. Often, it will be a heartbreaking moment. “The weight of knowing you’ve caused your child pain can be heavy, and it’s easy to fall into a cycle of self-criticism,” says Juhant. “But it’s important to remember that making mistakes is part of being human.”
Handling Teen Tantrums
Teenagers can be particularly challenging. Here’s how to handle their outbursts without losing your cool:
1. Pick Your Battles
Not every issue needs to be a confrontation. Decide what’s truly important and let minor infractions slide.
Tip: Save your energy for the big stuff – like convincing them that socks don’t belong on the kitchen counter perhaps the collection of dishes in their bedroom does. Kidding aside, don’t get yourself worked up, it’s not worth it. Stay calm and your household should too.
2. Set Clear Boundaries
Teens need to understand the consequences of their actions. Set clear, consistent boundaries and enforce them without anger.
Pro Tip: Involve them in setting the rules. They’re more likely to respect guidelines they helped create.
3. Practice Empathy
Remember what it was like to be a teen. A little empathy goes a long way. Validate their feelings, even if you don’t agree with how they are initially expressing them eye rolling included.
Tip: Think of it as turbulence – uncomfortable, but usually temporary.
The Calm Before the Calm
Breaking the Parent-Child Anger Loop isn’t about being perfect; it’s about progress. Just as Captain Sullenberger’s calm saved lives, your calm can transform your home. With a little patience and a lot of love, you can navigate the summer holidays without losing your cool – and maybe even have some fun along the way.
After all, if Sully can land a plane on a river, you can certainly handle a few extra weeks with your kids at home. Here’s to a summer of smooth flying, even with the occasional bird strike.
Looking for more parenting tips? Check out Marko Juhant ‘s Strategic Parenting website
