Are you just imagining it or is someone sneakily disrespecting you at work?
Unmask hidden disrespect, and reclaim your worth with clients and collaborators. Learn to identify microaggressions, protect your well-being, and build respectful relationships
We’ve all felt it. That prickle of unease after an interaction. That nagging sense that something wasn’t quite right.
It’s not always a shouted insult or a blatant act of rudeness; often, it’s far more insidious. It’s the subtle sting of being overlooked, dismissed, or subtly undermined. This type of everyday disrespect can chip away at our confidence and leave us feeling inexplicably drained.
This article highlights hidden microaggressions, those seemingly insignificant moments that accumulate and impact our well-being. That wrongly make us question our worth. We’ll help you spot these subtle forms of disrespectful behaviour, understand why they happen, and their impact, and, equip you with example responses to reclaim your worth and build relationships built on mutual respect.
Have you ever walked away from a conversation feeling inexplicably deflated, as though your presence barely registered? Perhaps you felt dismissed, overlooked, or simply drained, but couldn’t pinpoint the exact reason? You’re not alone, and more importantly, you’re not imagining things.
Disrespect, unfortunately, is a growing presence in our daily lives. It sometimes starts at home, then on the commute when you receive an email or text, and then in the coffee shop. By the time you start your workday, you will have dodged so many disrespectful behaviours that you’re already exhausted. But you may never see that rude person on the train again, so you just let it go, right?
But what happens when the disrespect happens with people you work with, such as co-workers, collaborators or clients? What if you can’t put your finger on it, but you know in your gut you are being disrespected and the person doing it knows they are getting away with it?
While blatant insults are easily identified, it’s the subtle, insidious forms of disrespect which can often inflict the most damage. These “sneaky” behaviours can zap away our confidence, sap our energy, and disturb our peace of mind, all while remaining frustratingly difficult to articulate.
Many of us find ourselves in these situations in workplaces, within our families, and even when we are spilling our heart out to our closest relationships. The cumulative effect of these seemingly minor slights can be significant, leaving us feeling unseen, unheard, and undervalued.
How do we identify these subtle forms of disrespect, and more importantly, how do we address them? Let’s look at some common examples and strategies for reclaiming our respect.
The interrupter
When someone talks over you, it can be frustrating. Why they do it can be for a variety of reasons. It could be a cultural thing or a behaviour they learned from their family or even caused by insecurity because they are concerned their side of the discussion won’t be heard unless they get their thoughts out there first.
We all interrupt and sometimes don’t even realise it. However, if you are constantly being talked over at work, it could be a sign of disrespect or at least feel like it. You may feel this signals that your input is considered less valuable than the interrupter’s. This behaviour undermines your confidence and creates a sense of power imbalance.
“Conversation back and forth is good. Conversation one way is bad,” according to Anneli Blundell, an author, speaker, and communication expert (a.k.a. People Whisperer.)
“If it’s your fault stop it. If it’s someone else’s fault ask them to stop it,” she says.
For example, politely but firmly interrupt the interrupter. Say something such as , “[Their name], I’d like you to hear me out on this.”
Maintain eye contact and a calm, assertive tone even if it is on a Zoom call. Addressing them by name, more than once while continuing to talk, can spotlight their behaviour.
Sometimes slowing down the speed of your speech can also catch interrupters out. Or try, “[Their name], I’ve noticed I’m being interrupted here. I’d appreciate it if we could equally allow each other to give our input on this. It’s important to me that you hear me out.”
The dismissive listener
Have you ever been talking to someone and they are looking behind you or to the side while you are talking? Scrolling on their phone while you talk? These are cues that someone might be a dismissive listener. They sometimes can’t cope with new issues and are avoiding direct eye contact because of it.
They are also likely to dismiss your feelings or opinions, often with phrases like “You’re overreacting” or “That’s not a big deal.” This minimises your experience and validates the other person’s disregard for your emotional well-being. This is known as emotional invalidation.
So, what do you do? Acknowledge your feelings and reiterate their validity. “I understand you might not see it that way, but this is how I feel, and my feelings are valid. I wouldn’t be standing here talking about them if they weren’t.” You can also say, “I’m not looking for you to solve my problem, I just need you to listen.” That could relieve the dismissive listener and stop their avoidance-like behaviour.
The chronic latecomer
Consistently arriving late sends a message that your time is less valuable than theirs. It shows a lack of consideration and respect for your schedule. Some people who are overly optimistic about what they can accomplish in a window of time often turn up late. They don’t even mean to be disrespectful. They feel the need to always get one more thing done before they head out the door like writing an email. They can also get easily distracted by another task.
Whatever their reason for being late, address the issue directly. “I’ve noticed you’ve been late a few times. I have a lot on my plate so and it’s starting to affect my schedule. Could you make sure you can get here on time or file early next time?”
You can also set boundaries. For example, “Hey, if you think you’re going to be more than 15 minutes late, please let me know by giving me a call. Anything later than 15 minutes can eat into my workday and put my schedule off.”
If they do not seem to get the message you can add, “We might have change to how we arrange things in the future.”
The boundary breaker
Ignoring your personal boundaries, whether physical or emotional, is a significant form of disrespect and bad manners. This could involve invading your personal space, time on holiday, sharing your private information without consent, or disregarding your stated needs.
Clearly and firmly state your boundaries. For example, “I can’t talk right now. I can get back to you on that when I return from my holiday.” Or “I’m not comfortable with that. Please respect [fill in the blank here].” Or, “I’d prefer if you didn’t share that information without my permission. Please check with me next time.”
Reinforce your boundaries consistently and clearly state them in a polite manner. Pre-empt the behaviour of chronic boundary breakers before they do something to make you uncomfortable.
The neglectful communicator
Consistently ignoring your messages or failing to respond in a timely manner displays a lack of consideration and respect for your communication. This can leave you feeling unimportant and disregarded. At work, it can hurt a project’s flow.
Address the communication issue. “I’ve noticed I haven’t been receiving responses to my messages. Is there a better way for us to communicate?” Or, “I suspect you are short on time or haven’t seen my messages, but could you get back to me on this today? Brief responses are fine. We can always discuss it in more detail later.”
Sometimes with certain neglectful communicators, like the boundary breakers, we have to pre-empt their behaviour. We can ask them to get back to us by a specific date or time. We can always call them if that would be a quicker way to get the information needed. We could then always confirm what was agreed on the phone in an email.
The subtle put-downer
These are often disguised as jokes or compliments, but they leave us feeling subtly undermined. Examples include backhanded compliments or sarcastic remarks.
We can call out the behaviour directly and with confidence. Sometimes we will be taken aback by the comment, thinking to ourselves, did they really just say that? If so, take a beat before you respond to avoid responding in a dismissive tone.
We could respond with, “I’m not sure how to take that comment. What did you mean?” This puts the person on the spot to come clean. They should feel embarrassed that they were caught out. The intention is so they will think again before making snarky comments again. We can also choose to disengage from the conversation. However, if this person has done something similar in the past, it’s best to call them out.
What to learn from all of this?
All of the above behaviours can be a reflection of someone’s upbringing and personal experiences. We can all exhibit these behaviours once in a while, so we must spot these behaviours not just in others but ourselves. When we look at it that way, we can empathise. I takes the sting out.
With this knowledge, you can handle such situations and behaviours with a stronger sense of self-respect.
If though, despite repeated attempts to address a client’s disrespectful behaviour, it persists, then it’s often best to terminate the working relationship. Understandably, you might have tolerated the situation due to enjoying the work, the money or the collaborators. Therefore, before severing ties, secure a replacement client; this will amplify the sense of relief when you finally move on.
If you’re departing due to persistent disrespect, it’s crucial to inform the client of this reason. They may be unaware of their conduct, and you might even salvage the relationship. However, should their response be dismissive or indifferent, it confirms your initial intuition that the relationship was untenable.
Don’t beat yourself up about it, it was a learning experience.
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This topic was covered in episode 272 of the self-help podcast by Mel Robbins, 6 Sneaky Ways People Are Disrespecting You & What to Do About It. Robbins offers some great tips on how to handle these situations and how to spot them so you can start commanding respect calmly and professionally.
